life sucks when your depressed.

I think  I might just commit suicide.

Noone will miss me and everything will be alright.

I hope it doesnt hurt that bad.

But who knows? nothing tops the pain I feel.

Nothing tops it.

If there is a god, he is sadistic.

He put me on this earth to make me suffer.

He wants me to scream and to bleed until I can't take it anymore.

I am on the edge.

why must I suffer?

People are supposed to be the perfect race.

we are FAR from perfect.

We are, mean, cruel, horrible, digusting people

who deserve to die.

Everyone I love hurts me.

My friends think their too good for me and rub it in my face.

My family thinks I don't deserve to be considered an offspring as I am an ugly duckiling in a pond of so-called "swans".

The boy I like I SAID was amazing.

He is far from amazing.

In fact, he is a self-centered snobbish shallow prick.

Who hurts me continously.

Why bother trying?

I feel like dying.

I am already dead on the inside.

I am a dead soul being carried around in this shell.

Everyone at my skool says I am confident, and pretty and funny.

I am not confident. I hung out with Boys as a child. I am practically a boy. Its called pretending. I do alot of it.

I am definitely not pretty. Pretty isn't a verb choice at 184 pounds. I don't wish to be bone thin, but thin.

I am funny to hide how much pain I feel.

How much it hurts for me to just live.

Noone has any clue I am depressed. Noone at all. They don't notice me.

I am unnoticeable.

Noone cares that I exist so when I die,

and I am lying there frozen in time,

There will be hundreds of seats in front of casket, designed with intricate little details,

but noone will see it because it will be hundreds of seats, and not people.

They will be too busy with their "amazing" "beautiful" friends

and not with the ugly, untalented worthless girl who is genuine.

Oh, how my wrists ache to be sliced open.

To feel the blood dripping down them

and the sting that in no way compares to my pain.

I will watch the red droplets until the last one comes out.

And when I close my eyes

and go into a "deep sleep"

I will think

I am finally at peace.

What's going on...? I need support majorly please someone give it to me.

Intake:

B-apple juice(120)

Life cereal (dumped out milk)(120)

L-Ww Sandwhich(200)

Sugar free yogurt(50)

So Far:490.

Still have dinner and I am eating an apple after school. Any tricks on not eating and speeding up your metabolism? I am diabetic and I don't take my insulin when I try and fast should, I? So I have normal blood sugars to lose weight?

Where do I belong? And who will win the war of my desires?

So here's my dilemma. 

I have been as you know eating approximately 100-1400 for a while now; which is still techinally restricting even though I didn't feel like it because it was so much. I got to 187 pounds. Ouch. My best friend, (who was formerly anorexic and some of you may know her as esctasy_goddess) she means so much to me and she told me for my sake and hers I needed to recover. I missed her so much I agreed. I missed eating so much I agreed.(Is this what a fat person would think?) But on the contrary, I miss Ana so much. I miss her alot these days. Even though I am starting to lose weight now that I am eating properly, I still miss those feelings. Feeling weak, feeling my stomach shrink. Since June when I went to my sanctuary, all I felt after I didn't eat was this weird grumbly feeling I didn't like...( which is probably why I started eating 100- 1400 instead of under 1000)  and now it's gone and I came back to the school's library, which is where I write all of my posts and the smell of the library and seeing all the pictures of you beautiful people. I don't know what to do, and it is so hard, and to Emily, I may slip and not start recovery. I don't know. It;s hard because I feel like I am losing a part of me and you wouldn't wake up one morning and decide you only needed one arm for survival and cut the other one off would you? I just don't know and I can't talk to you about it because even though  I  miss our ana conversations even though other people would think we were fucked up, I don't want you to slip back into that and it is hard when you start eating to lose weight, it should be why I want to recover.

Round and Round she goes where she'll stop nobody knows.